I use to be me,
I use to think of my Fibromyalgia as a curse.
Before Fibromyalgia, I was a wife and mother. Before Fibromyalgia, I owned a lovely home in an upscale, prestigious neighborhood. Before Fibromyalgia, I had a professional career.
Then I wasn't the me I use to be,
After Fibromyalgia, I was a victim of domestic violence (my now ex-husband thought he could "beat you back to health". After Fibromyalgia, I found myself in the midst of an ugly divorce and a battle for custody of my children
(he went so far as to say that I should be denied visitation because I have Fibromyalgia). After
Fibromyalgia, I found myself fighting for my disability pension (I developed my Fibro after a series of injuries sustained in the line of duty as a police officer).
It took three long years for my divorce to be finalized and 12 years for me to receive my final administrative decision acknowledging my status as full, permanent and total duty disability. On the day my divorce was finalized, I went home and plopped down on the couch crying, "I'm forty, feeble, fat, and Fibromyalgic ... my life is ruined." My daughter was 9 and my son was 13. They stood over me and said, "we don't know what you're talking about but you have to snap out of it and take care of us. If you don't then we have to go to Dad and we will never forgive you for giving up on us."
Then I was the better chronically ill me.
At that moment I began to look at life, at my Fibromyalgia, through my children's eyes. They didn't see me as a Forty something (they still can't fathom my age), feeble (mom's don't pick up heavy stuff when they have children ... that's why mom's have children, to do the heavy lifting), Fat (ah mom, you're not fat, you're soft and fluffy for us to cry on about Dad), Fibromyalgic (you may have "Fries On My Algae" but it doesn't have you mom). They saw me as the mom who dropped them off at school every morning and picked them up every afternoon. They saw me as the mom who helped them make DIY Christmas gifts for their teachers every year. They saw me as the strong woman who stood up to their father and fought for them. They saw me as the mom with an illness who did what she had to do to take care of herself so she could take care of them.
That's when I started looking at Fibromyalgia as a blessing.
Because of Fibromyalgia, I had the ability to be home for and with my children. Because of Fibromyalgia, I became the second mom to the friends of my children who wished their own moms could be home when they got home. Because of Fibromyalgia, I was liberated from a loveless and abusive marriage. Because of Fibromyalgia, I became the proud owner of a comfortable condo in a racially diverse community. Because of Fibromyalgia, I found my voice to advocate for myself and to volunteer to advocate for those without a voice.
I use to be me, then I wasn't the me I use to be. Now I'm a different better me.
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